bummin it is hard

going for a relaxing day on the coast today . I told myself to just "bum it" with shorts and a sweater but of course its not that simple. my room is a mess and now I have nothing to wear. so far I have of a pair of pants and its too hot for a sweater but I don't have any clean tee shirts and I cant find a decent tank that isn't black or grey. ugh girl problems

when the plan backfires

Moving on from this guy feels a lot like it were as if we had actually broken up. The first week was somewhat a relief to not have to see him all the time. The second week... well, that one was more like that longest week after a breakup where you cant stop thinking about him. "Is he thinking of me?" "Does he miss me?" "Is he already talking to someone else?". Lots of questions to remain  unanswered. I stayed in contact with him through text but even that has gone fizzled out. And now I'm at a point where the temptation is gone, and the thought of him has almost disappeared for good.

That is until...a mutual friend invited us to hookah tomorrow night >.<

and being the idiot I am , I accepted.

WHYYYYYYYYYY

ugh you'd think I would know better by now.. I don't know what it was that made me say yes. The thought of just him and another girl? The thought of seeing him again? I don't know but it was a classic situation where I would've told anyone to say no, meanwhile I had just done it myself. and now my stomach feels like a tight knot is forming in the dead center of it and all of a sudden my hair is too plain and my face has been out in the sun too long and it seems like I gained weight since I last saw him. great.

the harm in moving on

So In light of my new "philosophy" concerning my confidence and daily life and whatnot, I've decided to apply a new concept to a recent situation that's been going on. There's been an extremely attractive guy in one of my college classes and to say the least, we hit it off pretty quickly. Of course at the time, I was seeing someone and despite the yearning in my heart, I couldn't let the situation go too far. He got the hint and my perfect, motor-cycle riding, tattooed, business managing colleague was after someone else before the semester was over. Just found out recently how much of a player he was anyway, and I definitely don't need that. But today I had a thought: it always felt so good to wake up early before school, pick out a sweet outfit and put my best face on. It felt amazing to know I was being looked at, to know I was wanted. But recently this feeling has dwindled with the loss of this guy's affections and it almost was enough to take away my Monday/Wednesday pleasure  of sitting pretty.

Now here's my revelation: why should this affect me? what's the harm in looking good everyday? In putting extra effort to feel that much more confident? though this time Im not dressing for him, Im dressing for me! but for him still...if that makes sense. I like feeling pretty, I like getting pretty. So why should it stop? who says I need to go back to the "this will do" attitude I've begun having just because he doesn't like me. Does the rest of the world not matter? Do I not matter? SO I'm gonna dress to kill as often as I can and do my makeup and wear perfume as if every class I walk into has eyes on me. Giving myself a boost of confidence and a feeling of attention and earnestly believing it to be so!

Plus I have to admit, the selfish side of me wants to make this guy a teeeeny bit jealous ;)

make him wish...

Starting point

I think I like who I am right now. I used to be this shell of a person who was shy and insecure. I didn't like myself, looking back I didn't know how bad the situation was. I remember going to school and acting like one person then coming home and pretending to be someone else. I couldn't please everyone and I was never happy. But as I grew older I learned that I needed to be myself and first, I needed to gain the confidence to do so. It is a terrible feeling to not only be someone your not, but to not even be confident in the false role your playing. Your true personality gets suppressed to the point where you don't even know what's what. But anyway, I grew up and I gained that confidence. The only problem now was achieving the task of being myself. I mean, Who is "myself"? (excuse the weird wording). but seriously, who am I?

So right now I am just enjoying being confident. That was all I worried about the last couple of years. And now that I have it, I appreciate it in everyway. I use it to make friends, to start relationships, to assert my voice and opinion. Now if I could only figure out how to develop into a unique individual. I guess what I do know is that I DON'T like the thought of living here all my life and knowing the same people till the day I die. 

This is just a journal

This is just my journal. the title is pretty explanatory, I live in a small suburbia where everyone knows everyone after a few years and there's not much too do around here except the mall and the movies. I'm a girl , I guess that's important. I'm in college ,I guess that's important too. I have a job. I live with my family.
I'm not too sure who I am just yet. Everyone must feel this way. People make great novels and movies out of "the search" for one's self. Why else would the topic be so popular? I cant even say I have solid hobbies and interests because in truth, they're always changing. My favorite color has been green since middle school I think. My favorite food used to be pizza, I'm not so sure anymore. My style changes CONSANTLY. And my hobbies rotate. Overall I feel like a puzzle that needs to be put together in order to see the big picture. I wouldn't mind so much if my life was one big picture, but right now I'd like to think of it at a series of memorable events. Like, last year I did this and two weeks ago I did that. In between , everything is kind of a blur. I'm not sure how I feel about that...

I'm hoping to change all that and find out what I want to do. I don't need to know who I want to be, just so long as I am what I love. I hope that makes sense.

I hope there aren't a lot of typos